Sir Lexius!

HI! I do hope you had a fairly good week, the weekend turned out to be pretty nice. Enjoy it before the rain hits again.

 

Now, I wrote this a long time ago, maybe a month or so, but I shut my desktop off, and my old job’s laptop is acting screwy. I type and suddenly the cursor jumps back and I am cutting words off and typing into them. Weird!

So I turned desktop on. Love the keyboard. Call me old fashion, but the big keys and the fact that I feel them submit under my touch…I can’t deny it I am loving it. (I actually have a very old fashioned typewriter, with the circle buttons on loooong metal bars and the loud bling when I get to the end of the line… love it)

 

When I wrote this I had a crappy day and had no one to talk to. Funny when I need to talk, I don’t know whom could I call and bore them with my crazy thoughts. So guess what! I try to write them down and bore you all you death, since you did decide to read me. (Bad decision)

 

SO here it goes!

 

I had a crappy day, no one sweet to talk to, as I really hoped tonight, so I shall treat myself to a drink and bury myself in words colored in purple ink. I love fountain pens, tonight purple will sooth me; the other colors just have to wait for their turn.

 

Why did I have a crappy day? Eh! It could be the fact that I deal with drivers who work hard, but no offense they are so dumb sometimes. The they laugh into your face, and when I do point it out and sit their asses down, and show them with gloved hands how dumb they are, and they suddenly call you their sweetheart…well yeah, it can get to you. But tonight I took the shuttle, then the train and when I got to Bridgeport and was running to catch the bus and she was just looking at me with a grin as she drove off…it just added to my crappy day. Then the ONE thing that I was looking forward to, seeing this amazing woman that I adore, and she texted me that she won’t stop by…well let me just say…. The rain pouring on me, without a jacket…looking like a sad fat rat in water…. Just totally broke me down. So I walked and walked, my breath was like fire being spit from the dragon’s mouth. My teeth were as loud as a wind chime; my jeans were glued to my legs airtight. My cap totally soaked. I think if someone would have hit me in the head or shot me I would turn and thank them with a smile, as I would collapse. So as I turned to my street I stopped. I stopped for a sec mentally and physically. I went to my own place in my heart and smiled. So with every step I decided to think of something nice. Not easy, but I did it.

 

I walked into the house, took my clothes off, peeled them off, ate and got me a drink, or two or three… or I can’t lie to you I got the darn bottle ready. So I popped in this movie I never heard off and I figured I just enjoy it. So my thoughts followed like this.

 

Relationships! Of any kind, are not easy my friends.

 

Family! Well you didn’t choose them; you have to “love” them, no matter what. Even if it is just cause they are obligatory family members, you are supposed to show some sort of …. Something.

 

Friends! You have the choice to choose them. Even when they choose you, you can make a conscious choice.

 

Sexual partners! You have a choice, but it is more so controlled by physical needs, stimulated by chemical desires, maybe some mental, emotional release, teased by external stimulus. Also they come and go.

 

We always find reasons, meanings for things/events that happen to us. I am sure you all heard them all:

A)   Lesson learned

B)   Some are in our lives for a minute/season..etc blah

C)   It’s not you , it’s me

D)  Just not into you

E)   Have to give my ex’s another chance

F)    Stopped taking my medication = I am crazy

G)  I love you, I just can’t have you, nor anyone else

H)  The devil inside, the devil inside…lol and I could go on J

I)     You are too good for me

J)    You deserve better then me….blah blah blah blah

 

Women write poems about love, sensuality, and emotions who knows how many levels of connections. They write erotica, to the point where their words massage my brain as it was my clit and I would actually have a mental orgasm. Cause sure as Hell, I haven’t been with a woman in years, who can make me cum physically. Not their fault, it has been ages since my mind and body was turned on at the same time.

 

Let’s see! Guys! Butches! Bois! How do you look at dating women?

 

1.   Date women who are safe, not to hot for fear of being dumped, but definitely fuckable with the possibility/hope of constant relationship. SAFETY.

2.   we look at good times with a woman, to outweigh the bad times

3.   Wondering why do I feel like dying inside, if I am so damn good, as she said…?!

4.   We recover, but not get over it….remember when I carved your name in my arm with a double sided razor blade? Erika! Ah!

 

We can be called dogs, but you know damn well women, created us. We give up being romantic, cause we get laughed at, cheated on, our hearts on their sleeves. Yeah! We recover, but never getting over it.

We are AFRAID! Afraid of not getting our hearts broken again.

Best Defense is Offense… isn’t it?

So we do it though!

We do it anyway. Once you get hurt, there is never going back to that innocent place ever again.

We cheat. We do it. We all do it. One time or another.

We know our actions will hurt someone, wife, kids, girlfriend, family… etc. but we do it anyway.

 

The grass seems nice here, but on the other side it is better, softer. We forget to look down and see the beauty we stand on. We have.

 

Chick drama!

11^th man theory! You ask what that is. 10 men and 1 woman in the room. They all cater to this 1 woman, then the 11^th man walks in, which couldn’t care less. BAM! GAME ON! SHE WANTS THE 11^th one.

 

Wow. If we treat a woman nice, it doesn’t mean I am weak or boring.

 

Every woman wants a bad Boi! Treats them bad and then women complain…. GOD! Is there a solution to this madness?

Women complain, cry that are treated bad, but they won’t dump them because they love their “man”…lol bullshit.

 

So then it goes through our minds…wait if I make a truck load of money, maybe then women will love me, want me. So what if I buy physical pleasure. I have done it in the past, and let me tell you it was more expensive then paying a professional hooker. Damn maybe then I would have gotten an orgasm at least… lol

Rich to buy physical pleasure needs vs. emotions, intellectuality.

Being blown by Angelina Jolie, while reading Dostoievski.

Or date women who are far beneath you, still you get dumped.

 

So when you, I, we do all these, explore them… we are trying to find that one person and be monogamous…wait do we even know what that means? I mean we play this game…. We get wrapped up in the game….everybody men and women get soo busy to do this “dance” at the END ZONE, that we forget the biggest picture of all. Why are we down 10 points?

It is not the X generation or the Y generation it is the “ME” generation. New Me Generation.

 

We can all be assholes… but it takes a “man” strength to be a “man”.

God! What am I talking about?

The love I had in my heart for a few women, still do, will turn me into an angry, women-hating person. “She hating women club!”

Argh! Mr. Right Now! You heard it. The best way to get over someone is to get Under someone else. Bullshit.

Called “serves” in other words reserves. Do you have any?

 

Women! They hear this  “Always be there!” No such thing. Doesn’t exist. Key to a woman’s heartbreak.

The only Always is the fact that everything ALWAYS changes.

 

So then I ask you, what is better to be dumped or be the dumpier?

 

Thoughts of a dumpy person:

a)   Did I do the right thing?

b)   I have to live with my decision

 

Thoughts of a dumped person:

a)   What did I do? Over and over and over again

b)  Could I have been better?

c)   Maybe if I try harder

 

Is it true that women are genetically programmed to lie?

Reasons:

a)   to make the other person feel better

b)   Insecurities of men (we always want to know if you slept with another man or woman, then we eat ourselves to death)

The truth is women do this, cause we can not handle the truth.

Women are amazing. Women will get the person they want once they get the Boi/Guy etc. in their site. She will circle you and they will make their move and to top it, she will let us think we made the first move.

Genius.

LOVE. Does love have anything to do with relationships these days?

Does GAME beat LOVE?

 

I LOVE YOU! Is it simple? You say it and se it soo many times. Does it mean anything? Is it too much? Not enough?

Do we know what it really IS?

 

Well here it is. I heard this and I find it so … ok read it

 

It is a one way streak, going from you out and you give it because it makes you feel good, to give it. Because when you give it makes you feel strong in a crazy, vulnerable, out of control scary feeling, feeling that most people think it is lost. It is not really love at all, it is the need to be loved and believe me, it is a very different thing. Real love is not I LOVE YOU and hoping the other person says I LOVE YOU back. It is just I LOVE YOU, it’s like giving a gift on X-mas and if you get anything back it is a bonus, it’s extra, you shouldn’t need to receive it. Cause the true strength is in the GIVING of it.

 

I love you:

-even if you are not with me

-even if you don’t talk to me

-even if you gain weight

-even if you move to a different state

-even if I never see you again

 

I LOVE YOU.

Pablo Neruda’s work blows my mind. What a man! What a life he had. The title is his quote. I never forget when I first heard of him, I went to the library and whatever they had I borrowed and read everything I could about him. 

Okay. Today is Wednesday and I don’t want to be here today. At work 2 hrs earlier, no mood for gym today, I got George Bush last night. What do I mean? Well I won’t call it Aunt, because if I had one I would love her. Won’t call it friend either, I tend to care and love my friends, so from this month on it is called Fucking George Bush time of the month. Or should I call it my personal Bush War? Since I am the one bleeding.

I miss morning sunrises. I love to stand at the train station, sipping on my coffee, watch the sun rise over the ocean. This morning I did get a treat though. Once in a while I am lucky to witness wild life trying to survive US. There are a couple of owls, that come by the train station once in a while and I have been lucky to have seen them 3 times already. A gorgeous male and female. They are Great Horned Owl (Bubo virginianus)

Length: 21” Wingspan: 45”. It has the most varied diet of any owl species ranging from crayfish to young fox and is very vocal. The logo for the Connecticut Audubon Society is a great horned owl. In case you didn’t know.

I took pictures of them with my phone, but as you all know my cell sucks. I have pictures of parrots eating on the ground, a seagull, a snake (I buried), and owls. Amazing. I tell you. I wish they came and hung around my house, we have many mice, so they would have a fiesta.

I also want to talk to you about a movie called August Rush. I watched the movie at work, for 2 days on my lunch time. An all familiar story with a twist of fairy tale beliefs. I knew once I watched it that I HAVE to get the soundtrack. Let me tell you, it is soo rare for me to buy cd’s, I think in the last 10 yrs if I bought for myself 3 cd’s I will exaggerate. I bought K.D. Lang and this soundtrack cd. I can not wait to research the individual performers on this cd and get more knowledgeable with their work: Kaki King and Mark Mancina. Jonathan Rhys Meyers sang 4 songs. Not bad, actually.

So why is this hitting close? Mom is adopted, so we have no idea who is our biological grandparents. It doesn’t bother me that much, mom is really affected. I wish I could have enough money so I can hire a detective and find her family. So my friend Rabbit called and mom was watching the movie, as usual mom can’t handle cordless yet alone cell, so the whole conversation was recorded on my answering machine. She was in tears, she could not even talk, Rabbit was ..like I am not sure what to say but tell Katie I called..lol

Either way the movie has touched me also, to the point that I couldn’t wait one moment more and had to buy the cd at all costs, now all I listen in the car is that collection of music. The range goes from classical to church to rock to pop….amazing. I recommend the movie, as a nice heart touching story.

Taxes, The MAN, they all can suck my plastic strapped on dick. They are slapping me with taxes on my junk car, like crazy.

I bought my first tie alone, 3 actually…..fine..you got me..Terry the sales guy picked them I just paid for it. I took pictures of my shirts, before taking them to the cleaner and he picked them. Technically did buy them without another woman present. So I am proud of that. Can I just tell you how much I love putting on my crisp, ironed clean shirts…too bad I can’t wear the ties at work. Sigh… I look good in them and I feel awesome with crisp necks and …just feels good.

Lately I have been dreaming about smoking a lot. I miss it. I miss it a lot. In my dreams, I love to inhale. Addiction….haunting me. I tell you if this cancer won’t go away I start again. I don’t have anything to loose anyway.
 
I would love to do a survey at the bowling alley, and find out how do these ladies and gents help out in regards to our rights. I am just …disgusted with the lack of support, that’s all.

I am tired to fall for people who can’t love me.

I have two friends with the same birthday Kat and Virginia. Thank God I had the opportunity to hang out with them and spend time with these two amazing ladies and their partners. (psst. I got to wear my ties and dress up). My date was gorgeous as ever at the formal blk & wht party. Hmm… sweet quiet night.

Ok I take the 7:08AM train from Bridgeport to Westport, almost every morning, before hitting the Westport/Norwalk line, we pass by a shit plant. Yeah, I know it is gross, not to me though. I never noticed something until now. Those one of life saving donuts. Now here in my mind, barely awake I start laughing my ass off pretty loud and all I can think about if one of them would fall into the shit and saved by one of those donuts… I guess ‘Having a shitty day!” literally would mean that.

Ok. I think my midlife crisis is kicking in bad. I also understand that maybe I am only meant to be a friend to everybody, nothing else. A friend on a need you when I want you friend. It just seems that all through my life, up till this point and not talking about this exact moment, in general past and present it has been this way. My fault is when I need to talk to someone; I don’t know how to reach out. Eh! I am used to it. Not even sure why it bothers me, I guess.

So! If you want a friend, Here I am.

Love my haircut. I look cute.

This is very funny. Click Me :-)

I am single. I am ok. I am a Great friend. So what can I do for you?

I do have a question though.

If you knew you were going to die soon, would you allow yourself to love?

Or to be loved?

Is it fair to you and the other person?

Closing with some awesome quotes.

“I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as one loves certain dark things,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

“I want to do to you what spring does with the cherry trees.”

Pablo N

“I thank you God for this most amazing day, for the leaping greenly spirits of trees, and for the blue dream of sky and for everything which is natural, which is infinite, which is yes. “
e. e. Cummings

I figured I start my blog entry with describing Easter traditions as I grew up. I guess I will, eventually. Then I wanted to write about some feelings I am going through, and I shall in a minute.
What I want to do is to say one thing. I want to shout it and I want to scream it, but I won’t. Not my style, I don’t fight.
So I shall just say my piece.
I am tired of reading about the heartaches we go through, the pain we feel after there is a break up, I am tired of listening to how many frogs do we have to kiss before we find the right one. At least I try, at least I talk about it, I try to figure it out, but I am tired of watching ladies going after “bad” and finding that the good butches, the good bois are boring. Never getting a chance. Just to find out later that “bad” is really bad
I give everyone a chance. I try it, I even argue with myself why I can’t fall for this person and why I fall for the other person. I know where I go wrong and why.
I hate that I have a gorgeous woman in my bed and I make her cry, cuz I don’t make love to her.
Sometimes it feels that these ladies who pretend to love me, have a way to chip at me, till I turn cold, but I won’t.

I like me.
I like who I am.
I like what I do.
I like how I treat women.
I like how I treat people period.
I enjoy life.
I am content.
I can love deep.
I can care deep.
I am good.
I am not afraid to be good.
I am not a doormat just because I am good.
I am also not a dumbass, as you all may think, just because I am good.
I am full of hope, because I believe everyone has some good in them, hope.
I am not going to pursue anyone, who does not show interest in me anymore.
I am not going to try anymore.
I am not a looser for being good and not bad.
I am tired of reading women complain that they can’t find a good one, when it is staring right in front of them, and not even trying to give it a chance.
I am bad in certain places, but that is between Her and me.
I am bad, when it comes to the security of Her and me.
I am bad, when it comes to the future of Her and me.
I am bad, when someone hurts Her.
I am bad, when people I love, hurt.
I am a protector and a lover.
I listen and I talk.
Not going to change into a bad boi, I had those days.
Not going to be sad because you show interest then flea.
Not going to be sad if you will never know what real love is, when you didn’t give me a chance.
So until you are ready for Good Butches
Let yourself be cheated on
Let yourself be abused.
Let yourself be hurt
Let yourself be trying to change something that won’t change.
Let yourself think that being with a bad Boi/Fem is living an interesting life.
Go On! Why are you still here? I am good…. So go find your Bad! Bad is all sold out here, I don’t keep that in stock no more. So Move! Get out my way! Bye!

Ok, so now that I had that out of my system.

Easter!
First of all, if you go to the Market (Market= like a flea market with tables filled with vegetables and fruits and open areas for live stock) all you hear is the cry of sheep and lamb. If you are a kid, it is traumatizing to see the lambs hanging off the hooks from their ankles, bleeding out and you staring into their lifeless eyes. The stare never leaves you.
Once you get over their eyes and blood flowing into the canals, you hear the axe chopping the meat up in pieces. Most times people buy a half of sheep, like in-laws and parents will split a lamb in two.
You do understand that during the whole year, you save and put aside anything that you need for any major holiday (example: eggs, butter in our case only margarine, oil, flour, sugar). Saturday before Easter is the big cookout, the preparation of cakes, cookies, meals. Women in their apron run and sweat by the stove, beating the dough, washing the vegetables, yelling at kids to get out of the kitchen. Men stay away, just make sure the ladies have anything they want and if something needs to be chopped they are ready and willing. Sunday, church in the morning, then going home and have a nice meal with family and friends, sit and watch the only 2 hrs of TV, then sit at the table and drink coffee, play cards, rummy and listen to the radio, hoping you get some news from over the border.
Now Monday comes. WOW! May I say WOW. So waited by kids. You go to school, it end at 3pm, then the boys go home and change, dress up really nice, they meet somewhere with their friends and team up. The girls go home and dress up and prepare the cakes and eggs in a nice plate, and then they glue themselves to the window. Now, you ask Why?
The boys, guys, men go around to friends and families houses with cologne, perfume , reciting poems and showering girls with their bottle (so girls can bloom into gorgeous flowers) recite the poem they wrote or learned, then the girls thank them with cookies, cakes, eggs and money.
To girls this is extremely amazing, because this way you know which boy likes you form school or the neighborhood. Now you can imagine that adults get alcohol, so by midnight all you see on the streets is drunks, wobbling on sidewalks. The good thing was that we hardly ever drove; we all used public transportation and walked a lot.
I was jealous, so I couldn’t wait for my brother to grow up so he can go and I can chaperone. I was just impatient, typical to my nature, so when he was 4 the guys came to my house and I said do you mind if my bro tags along with you, they didn’t mind not me. So I went. I had to experience this. I had to see how girls look at boys, I wanted to know, I was 11. Of course my bro, was a little chubby guy, and I was dragging him so at some point I was sick and tired of his winning and I let his hand go for a sec. Shortly after he fell and a piece of glass got stuck in his palm. Boy! Was I in trouble? I paid for it dearly. One for leaving the house and do my girlie duties, second the baby of the house got hurt. My bro was/is everything to my family.

I lost an important person in my life. He died Horvathy Sandor. He was 74, an interesting man and the only sober man in my life, a father figure, whom I loved and respected the old fashion way, the old school way. My best friend Adrienne AKA Rabbit.
This man was always hard on us, strict, not giving in, not knowing how to handle her daughter, who most likely always reminded him of is youth. Set in his ways, 4 yr. ago he blew our minds. He was a gentle, missing us guy. Who smoked with us, who joked with us and drank. A man who opened up to his daughter finally. This year Rabbit and me were going to go back and visit him, do another European vacation. I think we won’t.

Lately the thought of my grandmother has been strong. Always is but I was more emotional to her memory. I miss her dearly, then this past week, a very special friend of mines grandmother passed away. I feel her pain so much. I really do. Tina asked me if there was one day that I could change in my life, what would it be. Before it was may 6th, 86 when I broke m knee and ended all my hopes, the day would be when my gma died. I want to be there, so she won’t be alone. My biggest regret.

I am drinking an organic tea, called Inspiration, it s very interesting and I think I made this entry too freaking long. Inspiration= organic green tea, passion fruit, apricot. Yummy.
Thank you for taking the time to read me.

I love these lines:

 

“Forgive my lips

They find joy

In the most unusual places

I would like a lifetime plate

Of you and all your imperfections

With a side of short tempered jealousy

And a bottle of you

In a glass that is never empty”

French here it is: "Pardonne mes lèvres. Elles trouvent la joie dans les endrois les plus inhabituels
Je suis fou de tes lèvres”

 

It would be nice if one day I could romance a woman. This sounds even sexier in French, Hungarian and Romanian. J

 

Wow! Yesterday, I had a conversation with a lady that … is very sweet to me, love her very much and miss her like crazy. I could have gotten fired and it would have been like “Oh! Well!”. She makes it so easy for me, to be me. Not to mention, this is only over the phone, in real life she makes it more easier. Too bad it is not something that will go anywhere, but the thought is nice, that It could have. The thought that an amazing woman could be able to love me, wow… what an amazing feeling. Thank you Sweetheart! (she doesn’t read me, so it is safe).

 

So also yesterday my boss came and talked to me. He wants me to pick up the hardware part of the system, printers and handheld’s, he wants me to be the contact point in repair, etc. Also he mentioned that he is leaving in 6 months and he wants me to apply for his job. So this few months I need to hustle and learn. Now, I don’t want you to think I ma the only one who he would recommend, there are at least 4-5 people here who have 100 times more experience in here. Either way it felt good.

 

Barbara went out of her way to make sure my key works to the gym now, today I just didn’t have the energy to do anything. My tummy was hurting and my body muscles ache, so I gave them a morning off. Also I shouldn’t be up till 2 am ;-)

Ok got to hit the bathroom again, this is ridiculous!

All I want to do is be in bed and be pampered. Not going to happen. Honestly I have never been pampered, even when I was sick and young.

I think it can be traced back to old folk’s way, in a third world country, called “toughen up”. Sigh…

Lately I feel the need to hold and be held. I can not shake this feeling off. I hate it, not because I am a heartless person, because it seems that I can not find anyone who can get emotionally attached to me, so I figure I need to stop hoping for that, and just enjoy the physical aspect of it.

I go bowling each Sunday and I enjoy it, except that I think I pulled my middle finger out of its own joint socket. Ever since the first game I am in horrible pain, but I won’t stop J HOPING I CAN SEE A DOC NEXT WEEK.

I look around and there are so many couples, it makes me literally sick, depressed, for the last 3 weeks I tried to get drunk, finally this past Sunday I did. I got drunk, it was good. I went home and passed out. Didn’t need to feel anyone.

Any ideas how can I shake this feeling off?

I don’t have anyone who will just let me hold her all night, I even contemplated in hiring a hooker and let me hold her all night. The idea is becoming more and more a “going to be a reality to me”.

 

What else yesterday was my niece’s birthday she is 2 Hadley! You are a so gorgeous. Happy Birthday!

It has been 2 years since I had the second serious lung surgery.

I didn’t think I make it out of that long ass surgery.

 

So my mother is thinking I should purchase another car, but a fairly new one and pay monthly. This whole month by month pay, it gives me the ....something...lol…. I like to pay and have it. It makes me feel like I am paying waaaaaay more if I pay in installments. You know?!

Then your insurance is higher, the taxes are higher…etc. I can go on forever.

My thing is I need to stop crashing my cars J I know I know…I think I crashed like 6 cars or more, in the last 15 yrs.  Know nothing kills me J

 

When you tell me I have sexy lips, it means a lot to me. Thank you.

Wow, it has been a while since I actually posted. I mean I write on pieces of paper, in the train, in the office but it doesn’t make it to the blog. Sometimes I don’t see the point, sometimes I know if I say something, people will catch up that I wrote about them and then all hell brakes loose, or ..ehh it doesn’t matter.

 

Tina has been very nice; she is a sweetheart she has been giving me rides in the past and present to work and from work. Today is going to be much appreciated, cuz it is cold out there. So thank you Tina.

 

Yesterday I stood on the platform of Bridgeport’s train station and I was pulled at warp speed back into memory lane, home in Transylvania. The wind was brutal and sharp as a Hatori Hanzo samurai sword. Layers of skin felt like they were being sliced of my face. Which wouldn’t be such a bad idea J In my head suddenly I was outside in the cold windy weather, staying for milk, bread, toilet paper, matches, chicken. How we adapt to try to survive. Then my question was how do I try to adapt to this life I have here?

 

It seems that the people I am attracted to and could fit with, from my point of view we would match, obviously they think otherwise. Now there are the people who want me, but I feel that either I was not their first choice, or that I have nothing in common with them, nor do I find anything from that person appealing. More so I am sort of repulsed by them. Not that I am better then them, but …something about them…just turns me off.

So I was thinking maybe, just maybe ..since I am already miserable alone, why not find a person that wants me, I don’t like, and then I will have a good reason to be miserable?

I don’t know.

It seems that the one I love it is not going to work out at all, so I guess time to move on, I can’t do this one sided thing again.

 

What else? OK. I turned my old job offer down. I have no regrets doing that. I turned down a lot of money, but it is cool.

 

Today is Saturday, no bus service, I think I am going to walk to train station, after work.

I have been working out every morning, feels good to do it in the am. I never worked out at 7am before, only from 8-9pm till midnight. When I used to go to Fitness 4000, I would enjoy being there soo much, I would be still swimming at 1am in the morning. Sigh….it was just too expansive after a while.

I am trying to go to the gym in the afternoon also.

 

I am happy for a change, content. I am longing for being with a woman, but the more I think of …oh whom am I kidding. Ever since I felt the kiss on the side of my face, her skin being soo smooth, lips soft, her scent to melt to, her body so nicely fit into mine, ….I want her. I want to make her moan and scream. I want to see her cum. I want to see her on top of me, watch her body spasm to her multiple orgasms, I want to please her.

I forgot how soft and good it feels to touch a woman’s skin. God she felt good, just by kissing me on the face, I think I had July 4^th, Macy’s Fireworks going on inside me. … Sigh…

 

Anyway, need to go back to work or pretend anyway. Hope you guys have a great weekend.

 

P.s. I bowled 163 last Sunday…. 163..I was amazed. I shock myself sometimes.

Name_______________________Address____________________________________

Bate of Birth___________ Telephone Number____________ S.S.N.____-__-________

Hair Color_________ Real Hair Color___________ Eye Color_____________________

Contacts_____ Color of Contacts_______ Dentures Yes___ No___ Height_________

Weight_________ Waist__________ Bra Size_________

Marital Status____________ Single_____________ Married ________ Divorced_____

Bisexual______________ Tri-sexual__________ Freak____________________

Can you stay out late.____ All night ____ Several Days_______________

Do you like to be screwed_________________ How Often________________

Oral Sex: How do you enjoy it? Giving _____ Receiving________ (check one please)

Pussy Size: ________ Small_____ Medium________ Large__________ X-Large____

While Screwing, Do you: Faint___ Fart____ Cry___ Moan___ Yodel___ Scratch_____

Sleep______ Just Lie There__________ OTHER_________________________

Favorite position: 1) ___________________ 2)_________________________________

When you cum, do you: Wiggle___________ Wobble_______ Twist_____ Jerk______

Cry_______ Scream___________ Hump Like Hell______________ Other Explain)____

What Kind Of screw do you like? Slow and Easy________________ Super Fast_____

Fast_______ All Night__________ All Of The Above____________________

How many times per night do you like to do the Wild Thing?____________

If you have screwed before, Give (2) References (NOT FAMILY MEMBERS PLEASE) :

Name__________________ Address_________________ Phone_________________

Name__________________ Address_________________ Phone_________________

If this your application is accepted for review, what are the chances of obtaining you for:

One Night___________________ One Hour_________________ Muff Job______________

Please complete this application in TRIPLICATE and return it to ___________________________________________________________________________

With in three days.

Last night I had a conversation that has saddened me a lot.

I have a couple of friends that have been abused physically and mentally, in their previous/current marriages, relationships, or civil unions, or just simple relationships.

How can you help these ladies?

How can you get them to understand that they don’t deserve this, NO ONE does.

Especially when you love someone and you can see all the mistakes they are making, and you try to tell them, open their eyes, but you can’t nag them nor argue with them, cause that would be the last thing I could do. I can’t do such thing. All I can do is listen and cry and pray that maybe one day, they will realize how precious they are.

 

I was reading leathermenace’s post http://leathermenace.multiply.com/

 

And she said the following “I've always felt, and no doubt always will, that when you love someone you will want to make their time on this world easier, and that their feelings will matter just as much as yours do to you.

Love is so easy to recognize and yet so many people are fooled by a bastardized form of love, that it is truly disheartening.

Why do we so often compromise, on what we are willing to accept as love?

Why do we so often settle for something so far from love that is unmistakably not love? Are people everywhere so afraid that love will not find them, that they are willing to settle for being ignored, forgotten, overlooked, mistreated, and even abused?

And Why are people so willing to settle for someone that they don't love so often that they find themselves being the one who is ignoring, forgetting, overlooking, mistreating, and even abusing someone they say they love?”

 

I also truly believe that loving someone is making their lives easier, more loved, and respected, and on my side to feel loved and respected.

How do you …GOD I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!

How do I let this woman understand that she doesn’t deserve this life, that she should be treated like a loved woman, mom, friend, partner...etc.

How do I tell her that she needs to let GOOD into her life and NOT push it away.

 

I am so LOST.

I know I am a butch, and suppose to be strong and what not, and I am I guess up to a certain point, but I can’t stop crying. I want to help and I don’t know how.

So please tell me, tell me how and what can I do?

 

I know some of you don’t comment, but I really need some guidance.

Last night I went to church and prayed. I am not a religious person, but I am desperate for some light, some way to heal these two women.

 

Help!

 

You know i was going to just vent.
I got my paycheck in the mail and he cut me 300 bucks.,....i am unbelievably mad and angry. That son of a bitch asshole boss of mine. He tells all of our clients, that i am still working on the help desk, but behind the scenes, so he won't loose them. But he has the nerve to cut my paycheck, what an absolute brute. What an asshole. GAWD!!!! You know? You fucking work your ass off, you do overtime, unpaid cause you want the customer to be happy, so in turn would benefit the company you work for, lets just say that my work ethics are very good. I was thought by my grandmother and mom, to do my job, does not matter what it is, but do it right and proud. For what I tell you? So you can meet assholes and take advantage of you.
You know at this point I am sooo upset. You know i even delayed my new job for him, so he can have more time hiring new people and ...fuck it. I am too upset.

Corporate bullshit at the new job ...well ..I got to get used to it again. I am sure as heck won't get stuck on this position for long. I picked it up fast, and I am doign calls on what they do not expect me to do it. I need to learn as fast as possible, so i can knock their socks off.
So listen to this, i call IT and tell them that i need to load this software, on my pc so i can start loging in calls. IT says they should have the software on there already, but he doesn't understand why i don't have a shortcu. So he dialed in remotely, so i am watching him while on the phone with me, and I ask him, well since the software was loaded pre my log on, maybe you should give access to my id to use the software..Oh yeah! he says! right? So then i tell him i am trying to load this DOS software, but it goes half way and it stops loading, He says he has no idea. SO i go in and disable the damn popups and re load the software, does an update and it runs. Big fucking bruhah!. I am in Customer Service....I can not wait to get my schedule regulated and start going back to college so i can get into networking and security. Fuck this.
Katie needs to move up, I can't stay without challenging my mind, this job can paralyze a persons mind. "Welcome to Good BUrger! Can I take your Order?" Geez that is what it feels like every day.
But it is a good job, stable and money is fare, I hope. It will work out just fine. I know it.

I know it is the full moon. I know it. But....GOD i miss sleeping with a woman. I really do. I sleep so well knowing she is near me. I miss it. I don't even remember what that feels like anymore, i just know i sleep then a full night. I haven't had one yet.

The other day I woke up and my breast is all scratched up and bleeding and my head has a huge egg size bump growing. What the heck did i do ..can't remember, I usually wake up when i bang my head into the metal pole, i guess this time was soo hard i knocked me out.

Anyway I had to print these words here, I am familiar with Floetry, but wasn't with this song, so I was at my good friends site, you should also check her out, she is an amazing woman
http://luvlelady.multiply.com/

Here is this song, that just made me wonder, what would it feel like to have a woman love you and be ok with me when i say Baby! Lets just lay down! Lets spend some time together...wow..A dream of mine....
here are the words:
"Lay Down"

[Intro: Natalie]
Hey baby
I feel good today you know?
(Lay down)
Lets just...lets just lay down
(Lay down)
Spend some time you know?
Laugh, joke
(Lay down)
Just be silly
(Lets just lay down)

[Verse 1: Marsha]
How are you?
Well I'm just fine
I missed your call, around five
I'm getting back to you, cause you are on my mind
I wanna know, can I see you tonight?
If you cant, I'll understand
Ain't gonna front, I wanna take ya hand
And show ya baby, that I'm sincere
I want you to be here

[Chorus]
Let's just spend a little time,
Do a little more
Share what's in our hearts
Give each other all
Nothing more to do,
Lying right here with you
Let's just lay down

[Natalie]
I'm so happy that we're here together
(Lets just lay down)
(Lay down)
This kind of reminds me of forever
(Lets just lay down)

[Verse 2: Marsha]
How am I?
I cant complain
I'm really happy
That you're here with me
Again, it's been awhile
I'll tell you what,
If you have got a minute,
We can lay until the sun, comes up
I'll understand
If its much to early to determine
If we can, stay together
This way together
Let's lay together

[Chorus]

[Natalie]
Lets just...let's stay in today
(Lets just lay down)
(Lay down)
I wanna just love you in that special way you know?
(Lets just lay down)
(Lay down)

[Bridge: Natalie]
This is all we need
A little time to just,
Chill back and be...
Together
So much going on outside of these walls
But...I just wanted to share with you,
The truth
All I do is think about you...
My love
Maybe we could, stay home today
I just wanna...share
I just wanna...care
We should take the time (Time to be in love)
We just have to...choose (Choose)
What we wanna...do (Do)
I miss you (Yeah)
Can I kiss you? (Yeah)
Let's spend some time
(Spend a little more time)

[Chorus]

[Outro: Natalie]
Yeah, can we just focus on us?
(Lets just lay down)
(Lay down)
Right home to your heart, it's never too much
(Lets just lay down)
(Lay down)
Wherever you want,
The bathroom, the living room,
We can
(Lay lay lay down)
(Lay down)
The kitchen, the bedroom
We can just
(Lay lay lay down)
(Lay down)
Lay down baby
Please just
Let me
Let you
Lay down

  I had a very interesting past year, as I am sure everybody also has experienced.
I started the year partying with my 2 friends D and C and kissing a girl… Oh My! J
Then I was honored, by being invited to 3 weddings, all gay! Who Hoo!!!
  I learned that when a person says “I Love You”, I need to make sure I inquire and find out what they really mean about it.
  I had a week vacation; I spent it with a wonderful woman. I am glad I still got it *wink*.
  A lady rear ended me in South Carolina, pretty bad, also had a weird experience at the moment of impact, I shall never forget. I got hurt much more then I led others to believe, but it will work out in the end.
  Met and spent an amazing evening with my friend LaReina. WOW! What an intelligent, drop dead gorgeous, model woman she is.
  D and C moved away, I miss them like crazy. I miss the fact that they would just pop over and have dinner, or a drink, we would vent and cry and laugh, then off we went. I miss you guys really a lot. They are happy though, so I can just miss them and love them.
  I work around the house more, which I enjoy a lot.
  Traveled 90% of this past year, which burnt me out completely.
  Most important though, this past year I was blessed to have an old friend of mine come back into my life. Too dear and very special to me, soo much that I can not express in words. I love her very much.
  I got a raise after 4 yrs, or more (lost count), but x-mas bonus was not received. This was a major bummer for all the staff.
  I was able to squeeze in a bit of volunteer work for my community. There is nothing more rewarding then giving and loving.
  I ended the year with friends, but very lonely.
  I was able to let go of a lot of things at midnight, which was a relief to me. I decided, that if I can make a phone call, then others also can do the same effort, and if not, then it is their loss. I am tired of making the first move all the time. Obviously I do not cross their mind as much as they do mine J
  The New Year with the help of Barbara started with a new job, a new way of looking and handling my life.
  For the first time in a long while, I started thinking of my future. It is time to settle down, no more travel for work, try to date and hope someone will put up with my faults. This job is giving me the opportunity of being a good provider, perfect to have a wife and kids. Benefits for gay couples, great kids benefits also.
  My only worry is that this year is going to be a wild year, recession wise. Job security might come in question if layoffs would occur, since I am a newbie. So people eat cookies J
  My mom is getting older by the day, and I am not making her life any easier, sometimes.
  My grandfather is still evil and steals, lies, pretends that he can not walk, but when he thinks we don’t see him, he is perfectly able to lift his leg and kick the dogs. Then with a clear conscience denies the act.
      This year I have a goal, but not sure what will happen. Hope I have the courage to conquer all my fears, to help others, to better myself and be kinder to others.
  I hope my curiosity will help me improve my thirst for knowledge. Even though lately I feel blah and trapped in this never ending Ocean of Blah, there is a flicker of Lighthouse Hope for Love.
  I miss you and Love you very much!
Grandma! I think of you every day, and if you are really out there watching over us, as you did when you were alive, know that I wish I could have been there and I am sorry for all the shit I have caused you. Szeretlek es hianyzol nagyon, kedves szeretett es nagyon hianyzott Nagymama!

Okay on a lighter side, since i am at the new job and I am in training hooked up with a headset to another headset and having my monthly thing going on, I figured it would be better if i suck it up and try this thing called Tampon.
So i went to Stop and Shop at 9pm and decided to get a box. So i am in front of these shelves and don't you know?, there are 30 different kinds. So i figured i think with my Boi way: "Which one is more butchie? SO i look and look and I find one that said Playtex Sport. Now that is as close i get to these things to be for me, so i get a box. I also got a box of Always, in case I need it, and on top some of the proceeds of the sales go the the ladies in Africa. I know exactly what it means not to have pads. So I am drivng home and I freak out, I have no idea how to use these things. I haven't shoved anything up there for Decades. So i call my friend Darlyn, you have to imagine it is 10 pm and I am driving home. I start talking and asking for her advice on how to use it. I pull over to the side of the road and i mess about 2 or 3 of them up just trying to see how they work. OMG! It is hard work. So after Darlyn explaining it to me, I get home and I try one. It felt weird and I think i lost about 2 lbs in trying to put it in. Man!  My hat is off to you ladies.
Darlyn Thank you!!! She is the best.She is soo amazing, I can call her any time for anything and she can do the same to me. I love this woman.
So i tried to do my first change in the bathroom... Yes! You are correct, I barely did it. I had to wait till everybody goes out and then with pants half down i hoped to the handicap bathroom. More room. Wow!.
OK. SO maybe by next month i be better. But by then I shall be working at my own desk alone, so i can go to bathroom anytime i want.

Sunday I spent most of the day with my brothers kids. Wow! It was soo much fun, on top I had 2 extra kids, one kid with serious ADD. And when i mean serious, i mean serious. We have to keep every door locked on top of the door, otherwise he runs out. He touches every knob...etc can';t sit still for a sec....The mom I would call super mom, God Bless Her! I have no idea where she has all this energy from, he constantly runs, she after him.
We went bowling, then we hung out at the house. We partied in the car while driving. I love kids, they made my weekend. Even the little bouncer Hadley loved me.

Then I went bowling, thank God i got a quorter of Hungarian Bull Blood juggled down by then. I needed a drink and I needed it bad, except I didn't get a buzz, just sweat and sweat. So i bowled better then the week before, and i think i would be better if i had a bowl that would fit me. Unfortunately until i get this paycheck and mortgage figured out i can not spend extra. Wine was free. :-)

I am freezing my butt of at the train station and bus station. I think there is a tid bit of chilly weather out there.

I am more confident today at my job and i think in a day I shall be working alone. A week of training and i think i am ready, if i can only get the right lingo correctly, their terminologies are different.

“Intelligence plus character--that is the goal of true education.”

I always wonder what your idea...more so...How would you love to spend your birthday?

New Years Eve! If you could how would you celebrate it?

With whom where alone? with spouse what would you do etc...describe these two events you would love to spend the way you desire.

Please! Go ahead!

I am on the road a lot, so for me to eat dinner, have a drink or two dance watch a movie then go to bed and waking up next to her, resting on my shoulder would be the ultimate birthday gift and day.

New Years Eve! Hm! The same as my borthday, but if i could spend it the way i would love it, i would love to go the mountains with my better half, with other couples and spend the night all of us together. would be awesome.

I am not sure if you will read this, but I miss the heck out of you.

From a cold village from the side of the Erie Lake I wish you all a good week. Stay safe!

PISCES - The Partner for Life

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to keep. Fun to be around. Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always lets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly, fun and sweet. 

I want to say thank you to all the gorgeous ladies and Mr Cl. That come and check out my blog.

Also please go and buy these amazing calendars
Here
La Reina
It is for a great cause.

I am stuck. Do you ever get stuck? Every word I want to write down, every thought I want to express, ... seems to be stupid, corny, without substance. DO I talk about me? Does anyone want to hear it. Do I know what is going on with me? Not sure.

http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25294.html   Ikea commercial

http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/24745.html   Condom commercial

http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25481.html  He he he he

http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25454.html  This one cracked me up..seriously I am corny...:-)

http://veryfunnyads.com/ads/25460.html my old country Romania commercial..:-)

Well there is tons more, but those were some I found funny. Here is the link http://veryfunnyads.com/

Ahhh! Sunday morning. Waking up alone, checking e-mails, thinking what could comfort your body’s muscle aches. Falling asleep was painful, the muscle ache in my arms and shoulders were hard to deal with. Couldn’t find a comfy spot...hm...sometimes a phone call could make the whole thing just perfect. Miss it.

***Trey Songz has a weird looking, in a non attractive way of deforming his face when he sings.

So I sent out resumes, checked some stuff online, my mind is constantly busy. Money, car, health, family and then my failure in relationships.

Then I get up and wash dishes, made brfst, ate,  made coffee and went back down to my dungeon chillin with vh1 Soul, sipping on a nice cup of coffee and swallowing oj like mad crazy.

After this I shall go and get dressed and go to home depot (he he he My Mickey is showing my Diva how much she loves her, they do this neck kissing, poking, love dance :-)...cute)

So I got to clean my garage gutters today. Absolutely essential. It is getting colder each day. I got 21 bags of leaves yesterday, 2 weeks ago it was like 10. My two trees are stubbornly green still. Each tree on the street is either bald or extremely golden. Not mine. Green baby, green full of hope, like it wants to tell me something.        

I miss my grandmother like crazy.
I miss Spotty and Cassidy awful. I felt love from them. I gave them love.
It seems that everything I love leaves me. I should get used to it. I don’t even know why I bother sometimes. Call me a crazy green leaf tree.

So. I am going to do my stuff and then I continue.
I didn’t come back. ...
Tuesday, the 20th. Day was busy and boring at the same time. I am still in this mood, not sure what will happen now. Day is over, starting to walk to the bus station.
Walking...train crossing arms lower... have you ever noticed that they are made of hollow plastic? There is a piece of wood at the end to give the image of wood covered by plastic.
Bus is late
I missed all my trains, 6:01pm, 6:07pm...sigh. I need ticket. It is 6:06 pm going to get the ticket from machine. Receipt? Yes. What shall I do for the next 30 min?
6:10pm Making the cell call.
The tv screens show the next train is at 6:32pm
Sitting, adjusting headset
Woman comes by to flirt with the guy next to me, also asking him if the announcement was Bridgeport track 2.
I get up and run down.
Run.......Steps.........slip on stupid plastic welcome mat.......
Door slam in front of me....
The conductor is sticking his head out....running towards him....
He said “You are TOO LATE!”
Train is not moving, he had enough time to open the door, he wouldn’t. It took off finally.
I stood there, alone...not sure ..if it was 1 or 5 or 10 min. trains came and went. I was just standing there frozen.
                                       This is my life!
I am too late or too early for everything.
God! I need to pull myself together. Is it raining or am I crying? Can’t tell.
Train comes. Full! Standing! I start writing.
She is on the train again. Blonde, blue eyes, long skinny face, horse teeth type. She is looking again. Please! Let her find what she needs. For the last couple of times she constantly asked me the time every 3 min then she started stretching her long neck even longer to look in between suits on the train. He is here tonight, I can tell her eyes change from panic to tranquility, love breaths through her eyes and blushing takes the color of an autumn apple. I think her hairends are dancing, she is so happy.
He pushes me as he machete’s his way through people to get to her.She is happy, he is normal, no changes on his face.
2 young ladies with luggage and babies are standing, not one white collar suit would get up to offer their seats or comfort the kids. I wish I could sit so I could stand up and let them sit....sigh.
God! I am soo cold.
Women in my life are the bad chromosomes on the chain of Katie’s DNA.
I need to be numb.
I want to punch the ceiling of this train. I want to feel something other then this everyday pain.
My knee is fucked up, bad, my left leg muscle feels like I had a bad cramp and it is the pain after the cramp.
My left side of my upper torso is rock solid. Guessing scar tissue.
I think my lung tumor is back.
My spine is in constant pain.
I am tired, yet I can’t stop. Why? Why? Do I fight this? Why do I always have to put my body to the limits?
....no matter how bad I feel, I think of her and the thought of you gives me strength, somehow. I give anything to see your sexy look, the way you looked at me...Miss it, Want it. You are so gorgeous!.....
Is it reality or a dream?
Is this my heart or ice?
Your breathing hard
it’s so cold....I am cold
I can feel your fire burning
I am so cold.....cold
your pulse is beating my lips
I don’t want to mess this up
Your breasts are pressed against mine
I am cold...it’s an ice block
You are moaning....my lips...your skin
heat...pulse...neck...eyes...
Is it possible? Melting?.....
Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!

At the end of my last trip I did have the pleasure to b e in the presence of Fantasia. She smiled and winked at me, I believe my neck chain always does the job :-) and the fact that I am extremely cute. I sat and didn’t want to go overboard with excitement, but the time I tamed my happiness, the flight attendant offered her a first class seat, all I had her say to me is Excuse me....sweet sounds.

I guess I am done.